David Cameron has launched a valiant last ditch attempt to reunite the warring ranks of Tory MPs by once more claiming the moral high ground in British politics. Stung by claims from some quarters that he's a 'clueless, chinless berk' who has 'lost it', Cameron met reporters and delivered an impassioned plea for his party to 'go back to back to basics'. Speaking from a remote hillside retreat in Tuscany where he's currently holidaying with the people who actually run the country, the PM recalled the spirit of John Major in an attempt to reignite the flagging Conservative party flame.
Seated behind a protective cordon of security guards cunningly disguised as 'ordinary people' but all of whom look more like the 'synthesizer with a strap' player in some bloated and tedious German soft rock band on a very bad hair day, all with massive erections, the Prime Minister urged his party faithful to revert to tried and tested means of delivering electoral success. 'Look, I'm not gonna kid you that this is gonna be easy' said a tanned and relaxed PM in between taking sips of champagne from a glass proffered between the rear cheeks of a loyal fag, 'but it worked for John Major and it might just work for us.' Warming to his theme, Mr. Cameron continued, 'I know, I know, you're all thinking "this is a bit rich coming from you, you boss eyed liberal toff. You used to bang on about 'detoxifying the tory brand' and called your faithful foot soldiers "swivel eyed nazi cunts", but please, hear me out.
It might seem hypocritical to launch a moral crusade, especially at a time when we're turning a blind eye to all the highly dubious stuff we've all been asking the police to do for the last 20 years. Adopting the identities of dead babies and getting all manner of commie pinko slapper bitches banged up just in case they give us something we can rely on in court when they reach the moment of crisis, despite being married with kids themselves might not seem like the sort of thing we should be condoning, let alone paying large amounts of public money for in these supposedly austere times. (Another jeraboam of the Krug please Anatol, this one's ever so slightly on the tepid side). I certainly hope they didn't do that with mine - or use our dead baby's identity for that matter. And let's not even go there with the hate campaign we've been orchestrating against those poor people the Stephen-Lawrences. But, hey, come on - we're the Tories! When has a bit of complete and utter hypocrisy ever bothered us if it means we can lord it over the lower orders and appeal to enough lobotomised louts in the Midlands who think the sun shines out of Norman Tebbit's jacksy to win the key marginals?' Besides, if it all goes pear-shaped - as now I think of it it did when John Major tried the same trick despite having half his cabinet bonking one another and him not being averse to a bit of Edwina Curry himself (and who can blame him, I say?) even then we'll virtually get a Tory government in any case, regardless of who wins - just like we did in 1997."
The Prime Minister fleshed out the announcement in familiar fashion with a more detailed list of policy initiatives that had hastily been scribbled on a piece of recycled scrap paper, and referred any difficult questions to which he didin't know the answers to the Deputy Prime Minister, himself holidaying with a troupe of Burlesque artistes and high class call girls in Mustique.