Wednesday, 2 July 2014
Wenger sacked! - exclusive
Someone fix me a stiff drink. My world has just caved in. The Arsenal board has - can you believe this? - just announced that they have dispensed with the services of the French coach in the aftermath of the team's humiliating surrender to Champions Cheslea in yesterday's crunch Premiership fixture at Stamford Bridge. The game marked the ex-manager's 500th game at the helm of the grand old club and during that time, Wenger had steered the team to 3 Premiership titles and 4 FA cups as well as transforming the club from 'boring, boring Arsenal' to purveyors of some of the finest football in Europe. I can't believe it's happening.
Former Arsenal goalkeeper and TV presenter, Bob Wilson, spoke for all Arsenal fans when he said, "It just seems so unreal - what are they playing at? Arsene is one of the greatest coaches the game has produced. He's worked wonders since he came here from Grampus 8 in Japan. The ability he has to nurture young talent and the style he has developed are second to none. All I can say is there must have been an outbreak of collective insanity in the boardroom".
Arsenal captain, Thierry Henry, echoed Wilson's view. "He has been everything to us players. He brought me hear from Juventus, where I was struggling to get in the team, and he has transformed me into one of the most exciting strikers in the world game. I am a few goals short of Wrighty's goal record for the club and it is just so sad that he will not be here to see me break the record after all he has done for my career. We are all devastated."
Sir Alex Ferguson, Wenger's arch rival right through his career paid fullsome tribute to the French boss from his club's Carrington training ground. "We never got on that well, but that doesn't lessen my respect for the man and his achievements. I hope he finds alternative employment soon so that we can renew our rivalry. You want to compete against the best and there's no denying he was one of them"
In a further twist to the incredible news, the Highbury board anmnounced the appointment of Wenger's successor at the same press conference. Chief Executive, David Dein said. "We felt Arsene had taken the team as far as he could. The game has changed and we felt that a new man was vital if we were not to lose further ground on Cheslea. That's why we're proud to announce Richard Keys as the next Arsenal manager"
Keys, the surprise successor to Wenger, is best known for his hosting of Sky Sports coverage of live Premiership football. The Anchorman and world's first talking chimpanzee was delighted at the surprise appointment. Speaking from his arse at the team's London Colney training complex, Keys said, "obviously, I'm delighted at the new appointment. I can't wait to get on with the job at hand and to start sorting out that midfield. We were plain outclassed in the department at the Bridge and that's the area I'll be looking to strengthen. Clearly Arsene is a legend around here and I don't think anyone who saw him join the club in 1995 could have foreseen how he'd transform them. But, it has to be said that you can't hope to compete with Cheslea's £900 million worth of midfield by sticking a couple of twelve year olds in the engine room and keeping your fingers crossed. I know the club is several hundred million in debt, but the board have to open their wallets or I'm off." Keys is expected to launch an audacious bid to lure the Brazil 1970 side out of retirement. He hopes to cryogenically freeze them and, with the use of an ambitious time machine currently being developed at Colney, whisk them into the future where the technology exists to reanimate them as their younger selves - complete with all their passing skills, goalscoring and competitive tackling ability in tact. "It's the only way we can compete. Obviously, I couldn't say this while I was at Sky because we have to hype up every game, no matter how one-sided - but it's a complete fix at the moment. Cheslea have just got too much bloody money. The bastards."
In a completely unrelated development, Chelsea owner, Roman Abramovich faces deportation to his native Russia on charges of profiting illegally from the rigged sell-off of public utilities during the collapse of the Soviet Union. He is expected to be extradicted under TOUGH NEW TERROR LAWS aimed at preventing foreigners coming over here and trampelling over our once great traditions and institutions. He is expected to be joined by Dwarfo-fascist media baron, Rupert Murdoch.
I need to have a lie down.