Ned's Atomic Parliament...

Wally: This is the BBC.... (sound of a million ows emanating from a million Bluebottles followed by a very loud, echoey burp)...Indeed. Welcome to tonight's show entitled....

Ned's Atomic Parliament....

....or....

[GRAMS: Sinister Orchestra chord]

The Strange Case of The Wide Ranging Inquiry into Various Nefarious and Untrue and Unsubstatiated Claims About Events That Never Happened in the First Place Made in a Series of Stolen Documents That Never Existed in the First Place Either, With the Potential to be Expanded into a Full Blown Whitewash at Any Time Should the Accused Decide That They've Had Enough of Being Interrogated by the Lower Echelons.

[GRAMS: Seaside sounds, seagulls, candyfloss melting into a harem of kiss me quick hats, someone drilling. ]

...Christmas 1864. A flannelled fool saunters down Whitehall...

Seagoon: (in between whistleing The Marseilleise) Bluebottle, what's this I hear about you making a complaint about one of our upstanding Members? (grams: theatrical audience groans followed by sound of three hundred weight of treacle being poured over Beachy Head by a shoeless plumber from Catford) [aside to orchestra pit - wish they spent as long trying to fix the economy as they do standing up - ting boom]

Bottle: Eugghh, eugggh and treble eugggh Minstern Seangnoon it was 'orrible wot them rottin swines in thern Housings of Parlenment doneded to me. Nearly deaded me with his (Bluebottle drownded out by the sound of a million secret service men taking photographs of the same quiet, terraced house in a leafy West London suburb) and that was just for starters. Wickid it was. Nyack! I almost wish I had got deaded this week!

Seagoon: ah, fear not intrepid knee-knocking ginger limbed scout, with the powers invested in me by the Clacton and Area Dictrict Nose Fluting Association (Hon Sec) I hereby declare A Wide Ranging Inquiry into Various Nefarious and Untrue and Unsubstatiated Claims About Events That Never Happened in the First Place Made in a Series of Stolen Documents That Never Existed in the First Place Either, With the Potential to be Expanded into a Full Blown Whitewash at Any Time Should the Accused Decide That They've Had Enough of Being Interrogated by the Lower Echelons..... er-hem (Sings:) 'Kneeeeeeeeees and shoooooulders kneeees and tooooooooo-holdthatnoooooooote!!!"

(Cut to the Commons)

[GRAMS: the sound of 658 mystified ancient politicians; mass creaking sounds, sundry hemming and hawing...]

Grytte-Pyppe-Thynne (at his most emoliently George Sanders): Now, look here laddy. Much as the court sympathises with the complainant, really all this to do and hoo-ha is hardly serving anyone's interests. No, let's just see if we can't change your mind about remembering to forget all about that little incident with the (Grytte-Pyppe drownded out by the sound of a million secret service men taking photographs of a different, terraced house in a leafy West London suburb or possibly in Rochdale or in Wales...) Now, where is my esteemd fag and schoolhood wellington wobbler, Count Jim 'Special Branch' Moriarty..??

Moriarty: aaaarghh.. arrgh... supristi Grytte-Pyppe! A pair of pooves!! [aside to orchestra There's nothing like a pair of poooves for power.] Curse this blindfold.....which secret Parliamentary torture chamber are you in Grytte-Pyppe???

Grytte-Pyppe-Thynne: ....the one with the 40 year super injunction and time share apartment in Barbados on top (comes with free mutual non-extradition treaty....get one today!) Now, let's just see what happens when we tighten *this* little handle up, shall we....?

[GRAMS: sound of three ounce sparrow-kneed cub scout being pinged rubber band like across the Pennines before landing in a tepid bowl of puce custard.]

Seagoon: hold on folks, we can't allow our intrepid sparrow-kneed cub scout to be hurled across the United Kingdom in a blur of ginger and stale confectionery into a tepid bowl of puce custard ! At least fire him into a hot one! What what what? What's that I hear....

[GRAMS: sound of immense cavalry batallion stampeding across open terrain, quick screeching of breaks, then farting deflating bouncy castle effect....]

Eccles: 'Allo dere! (Yawns) What 'appened to der ern-gui-ery??

Seagoon: So much for the cavalry. Eccles, thank goodness you're hear. We were just about to start making things up without you....

[GRAMS: Massive MI5 sponsored splashing sound.]

Little Jim: He's fallen in the water!!!

Wally: that was the Goon show starring Harry Redacted, Redacted Sellers, Spike Redacted, redacted harmonica by Max Redacted, Re EllingDacted did the singing....

(For Tim)