Breaking news: Talented realtor and successful author and singer in-the-making, Sally Anderson, has branded New Labor Works and Pensions minister, David Bleeeeeeeuuuuurghnkett “a liar and a sham - and a disgraceful one at that”. Self-confessed “double-crossing, calculating gold digger” Anderson maintains that not only has she played darts with the supposedly “blind” former Home Secretary, but says that she has also seen him pick up a very small pin from the floor in a very bad light – “just like the Donald Pleasance character in the film The Great Escape”. Anderson also claims to have video footage of Bleeeeeeurghnkett threading a sewing needle by candlelight before going on to forge the “impossibly intricate and detailed” signature of his illegal immigrant maid onto a bogus membership card for prestigious nightclub Annabel’s.
Blunkett's dog: "a lying bitch"
“If David’s blind, I’m Jose Feliciano!” laughed the aspiring estate agent as she clinked champagne glasses with New Labor-supporting publicist, Maxwell Clifford. “And do you think for one minute I’d leap into bed with a bleeding raspberry unless there were seriously mental amounts of money knocking about?” demanded the stunningly mediocre nonentity as Clifford kicked her in the shin and made a loud shooshing noise. “Besides, if he really can’t see, why on earth would he always be going to places like Annabel’s where there are lots of really fit looking birds with huge knockers and high-maintenance facelifts hanging around instead of being at home with some ugly, fat, bookish Iris Murdoch-type talking about poems? Unless of course this is all some mad power kick for a seriously warped individual who takes pride in bashing the weakest elements of society to keep in with all the powerful media types at News International and Conde Nast…”
Despite the obviously detrimental effects of this latest scandal on the already embattled former high flyer, few New Labor insiders are predicting that Bleeeeeurghnkett will once again be facing a spell in the political wilderness. “David has seen all this before”, said a political aide. “He can read the writing on the wall - and at the moment, it clearly doesn’t make for good reading, I admit - but equally, it doesn’t yet say ‘piss off you blind twat – we’ve had enough of you shagging everything in sight and forcing us to live with your draconian laws whilst you use the powers of your office to feather your own nest’. David looks at all the angles and doesn’t miss a trick. If he caught sight of a potentially embarrassing situation, he’d fall on his sword at the drop of a hat – if you could find a guide dog for the blind clever enough to get a sword to stand upright for long enough for a blind man to fall on it, that is…”
Bleeeeeuuuuuuurghnkett, who is highly valued within the New Labor hierarchy for his ability to “instinctively understand the Sun reader” is said to be “unaffected” by the hoo-ha his ridiculous dalliances and quite disgraceful bending of his own rules to suit his own needs have caused. A jack-booted spokesperson noted that, “David won’t be swayed by all of this. He’s a true hero of the Labor movement and he’s probably drafting a new Bill that will take away disability benefit from all but the most destitute recipients as we speak…”
Love on y’all,