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Friday, 7 October 2005

Clarke cheers Clarke Terror laws U-turn but Clarke is sceptical of Clarke's Leadership Chances Despite Davis Dip.


Ex-Leeds United and England striker, Allan "Sniffer" Clarke,

has welcomed the Home Secretary Cha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-harles Clarke's decision to amend the proposed anti-Terror legislation. However, the archetypal 70s goal poacher, renowned for the precision timing of his runs to the far post and clinical finishing prowess, still feels the new Bill will strain community relations in his native Yorkshire. "I come from Yorkshire, me, and I know the difficulties faced in some of the communities there where there are Muslim and indiginous white communities living cheek by jowl. Anyone who thinks all Muslims are murdering bastards is living in bloody cloud cuckooland if you ask me. Sure, there'll be a few hotheads who get led astray, but on the whole it's a very peacable set of people we're dealing with here. I just worry that by cranking up the tension in places where there's already a degree of strain, it'll end up doing more harm than good." The Home Secretary

was forced to climb down over a section of the Bill dealing with the issues of incitement and glorification of terrorism when it was pointed out to him that, if introduced, the act could lead to the banning of various children's TV shows which could be construed as being pro- al-Queda. Opponents of the Bill cited the 'Mr. Benn' scenario.

In the popular 70s children's programme, Mr. Benn goes into a 'fancy dress shop', smiling, and is greeted by a swarthy looking man wearing a fez (obviously a terrorist of some sort) who appears "as if by magic" and supports Mr. Benn's transit, undetected by the Security Forces, to far flung corners of the globe where he engages in combat and insurrection with legitimate Coalition Forces in a series of violent adventures. The parallels with the recent London bombings are all too clear, but the new drafting of the Bill means that the show will escape censure as it was first broadcast over twenty years ago. Ray Brooks, the voice behind the original Mr. Benn was thought to be enraged by the possiblity of losing out on his repeat screening payments and was thought to be planning an audacious protest involving him attempting to scale Big Ben dressed as Frank Spencer, the comic creation of his co-star in 60s classic, The Knack: and how to get it.

In a seperate development, Wine expert Oz Clarke

has thrown his weight behind Kenneth Clarke in the Tory leadership contest. "I think we need a PM who's not ashamed to unwind with a nice bottle of Shiraz and 20 Bensons and tap his toes along to a nice be-bop reissue or two. Ken will certainly get my vote!" Asked if he thought Ken Clarke would be the next Conservative leader, Clarke replied, "Of course not - but we'll have a bloody good piss up trying!"

Weather Report bassist Stanley Clarke was unavailable for comment.

Love on y'all,


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