Controversial former Government Press Secretary Alastair Campbell has plunged his ex-boss into more hot water after damaging revelations about New Labour’s response to the expected Avian Flu pandemic were made public this morning. Campbell can be clearly heard on tape stating his belief that the imminent virus which, it is estimated, could kill between 50,000 and 700,000, represented “some good news for a change. About bloody time!”
The tape continues with a clearly delighted Campbell declaring, “this bird flu thing could be just what the doctor ordered for you, Tony – especially if we can come up with some bullshit about how it’s wiped out a few terrorists along the way. It’ll certainly do you no harm if the mugs are all worrying themselves silly about dying of lung disintegration instead of mithering on about our presence in Iraq and the way we lied about WMD to go in there in the first place. Here, we could tell ‘em it only takes 45 minutes for their entire respiratory systems to be totally buggered to fuck – that’d really shit them up. Just like it did when we told ‘em Saddam was standing behind them with a ruddy great missile in Oxford Street. If I was you Tony, I’d be bloody bottling the stuff and giving it away free with the Daily Mail.” Campbell went on to suggest that stockpiles of the Tamiflu antiviral treatment should be sold to the highest bidders in line with existing New Labour orthodoxy. “Get it on ebay, son”, Campbell is heard to shout, to clear alarm around the cabinet office.
“Besides, if we change course on health care provision all of a sudden like that, people will only start to panic – just like those all those cattle we had to slaughter over BSE. Here, does this mean we get to indiscriminately slaughter some more innocent creatures on a massive scale? Oh Tony, plllleeeeaaaassseee can I help? Where there is division we will bring unity, where there is discord we will bring harmony. There is no alternative, the laddy’s not for turning, Denis, where’s me bloody handbag? Seig Heil!! Seig Heil!!” shouts an evidently mental Campbell as the sound of heels being scraped along a shiny floor are heard in between the sounds of a full-blown brawl in which John Prescott can clearly be heard headbutting Education Secretary Reeeeeuuuuugggggttttthhh Kelly. After calm is returned to the room, the Prime Minister Tony Blllllllleeeeeuuuuuuurrrrrrgggghhhhhhh!!!! Is heard to mutter, “so, we’re all in agreement then…?”
In an unrelated development, “glamorous” supermodel and renowned woman of letters Naomi Campbell has lashed out at Liberal Democrat Foreign Affairs spokesman Menzies Campbell over his party’s opposition to the Iraqi occupation and the bizarre diminutive of his given name. “Ming? What is he, some sort of minger or sumfink? Whatever….” blasted the demented former anti-fur campaigner. Arsenal and England defender Sol Campbell was quick to jump to Campbell’s defence. “I am deeply disturbed by our actions in Iraq and I am pleased that someone as principled and eloquent as Menzies is representing my views in Parliament. He may be a minger, but at least he’s not a Spurs fan”, said the former Tottenham defender, who hopes to have recovered from a pulled hamstring in time to face his former club next Saturday.
Love on y'all,