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Monday, 31 October 2005

"I'm not turning into a bloke" claims "furious" Fearne.

Howdy doodles Swipesters!

Sources close to lovely children's TV presenter are rallying around the embattled star as she attempts to counter allegations that she is turning into a man. Petite Fearne, pictured above, has always been a high profile 'ladette' - the new breed of hard drinking, smoking and football following ladies - but her innate femininity and drop dead good looks have always made a nonsense of the idea that she might be turning into a burly, aggressive man with ample chest hair and a whopping great todger. However, photographs printed in yesterday's News of the World reveal an altogether different side to Fearne.

Cotton: "licking the booze off her fingers in order to avoid wastage..."

The photographs show a clearly already inebriated Cotton surrounded by other large men, stripped to the y-fronts and downing a pint of strong ale - "in one", according to the accompanying report. A tape recording made by the journalist at the time reveals a raucous, deep-voiced Cotton singing a bawdy song, the lyric of which focuses repeatedly on the whereabouts of a "dickie-di-do". Photographs of the luscious Top of the Pops host taken later in the evening show her naked from the waist up, the voluminous hair on her brawny upper body covered in what appears to be a foul combination of beer, mustard powder and senna pod residue. The disgusting compound is believed to be the result of a drunken attempt by her fellow revellers to introduce a ghastly sepository of the aforementioned mixture into the bubbly TV star as part of some immature initiation ceremony or bizarre drinking game forfeit.

Cotton: "insane booze boasting"

As the evening progresses, Cotton (above) can be seen to assume an increasingly masculine demeanour, drooling, leering at scantily clad females before wobbling as if about to fall over and repeatedly bawling "celery, celery" for no apparent reason. The revelations, if proved to be true, could have dramatic implications for the TV starlet's future career - especially with regard to her work for CBBC. Fearne's agent was unwilling to speculate upon the possibility of her being dropped by the children's channel but did state that Fearne was "totally made up" at having been selected to play tight-head prop for Northampton in the forthcoming Zurich premiership clash against Leicester. "Fearne has a message for the Leicester pack - she's fucking delighted to be able to stuff it up those cocky northern bastards, so watch out you big girl's blouses! Bring it on!! I think she's just the sort of mobile forward who thrives in the modern game and I 'd like to see her make the step up to international level. I'd say she's an outside chance of making the next Lions' squad if she knuckles down and cuts out the boozing."

A sepository splattered Fearne Cotton: "putting the tight back into tighthead prop..."

Love on y'all,


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