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Monday, 10 October 2005

Mandelson in “utterly valiant” condemnation of “homophobic” Landewi Breffi.

Woah Swipesters!!

A "Clearly distraught" Mandelson

European Commissioner, Peter Mandelson, has launched a bitter and personal attack on the fictional residents of fictional Welsh village, Landewi Breffi. In a tearful speech to journalists in Brussels, the New Labor grandee and barely concealed homosexual was scathing in his dismissal of the “foul, brutish and insular” mindset of the residents depicted in the completely fictitious BBC comedy series, Little Britain. The popular show created by David Walliams and Matt Lucas features a grossly caricatured and entirely fictional homosexual character called Daffyd who lives in the fictional Welsh village of Landewi Breffi. Daffyd – the self-styled ‘only gay in the village’ – is revealed in the show’s sketches to belong, despite his frequent protestations that he is part of an oppressed minority of one, to a thriving gay and lesbian community that is not only tolerated, but actively encouraged by the fictional village’s entirely fictional straight majority.

Daffyd: "gay as a pineapple"

"I think it’s outrageous that poor Daffyd is the only gay in the village”, wept Mandelson, as a comely, male, Brazilian adolescent stroked the beautifully coiffured mane of lustrous, dark hair belonging to the mastermind of Labor’s 1997 election landslide victory. “It must be a terrible, terrible burden for the poor lambikins to be so shamefully ostracised like that – and by the normally hospitable and resolutely socialist Welsh at that! I can’t believe that those heartless, slack-scrounging bastards would actually derive pleasure from the thought of that poor, poor angel not having anyone to cuddle up to of a dark and windswept night. I’m sure he is frequently reduced to pulling his own cracker, if only to gain a brief and ultimately meaningless feeling of pleasure as a respite from the hideous sense of being swallowed up in a sea of dark and lonely despair. Christ knows I felt like that often enough myself when I was condemned to a draughty Ulster B&B with no fresh guacamole for several hundred miles during my time as Northern Ireland Secretary”, said the plainly emotional architect of the New Labor project.

Brazilian: "young male companion"

In a misguided attempt to appear ‘hip’ and ‘up to the minute’, the humourless, out-of-touch square Mandelson offered to take Daffyd with him on his next trip to Rio in search of ‘young male companions’. “Well, you know what they say?”, beamed the urbane former MP for Hartlepool, “we may not have a lot, but at least we’ve got each other! ‘His name was Lola, da-da-da-da-da-at the Co-ca-Co-ca-ca-ba-na…”

Ianucci: "Scottish"

In an entirely unrelated development, it has been revealed by comedian Armando Iannucci that Mandelson threw what insiders are describing as “the mother of all hissy fits” when he was introduced to real-life comedian, Steve Coogan at the 1996 Labour Party conference held at some awful northern seaside town where they think Bruschetta is a make of fancy Italian scooter. “But I asked for Alan Partridge!!” Mandelson is believed to have screeched, unaware that Partridge was a fictional comic creation of Coogan’s, before stomping off - hurting his foot and breaking the heel off his sling-back by stamping it too hard.

Love on y’all!


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