Monday, 17 October 2005
Well, still no word from Zoe. It's been several months now, so you can imagine my concern. Regular readers may recall that I had approached the up and coming young Britisher actressen with regard to making moolah out of the crazy-proportioned web interest in photographic materials depicting her dressed in a Police Woman's uniform. Or just any goddamn pics of her legs for starters! But, despite trawling the film and television studios of the world for her, I'm afraid that my dedicated staff here at Swipe Towers have been unable to track down so much as a whisper of lovely Zoe's whereabouts, let alone any of the parts of her we're really interested in.
Totally gratuitous Dita von Teese in uniform pic.
So, here's the state of play. We have a market - a reasonably sized one, at that. We have a specific demand. We have a well-honed, eager-beaver business organisation just raring to get out there and peddle product. Just one problem. We don't ain't got no product, dang it! So, I'm sorry to speak of a fellow professional like this, but, I gotta be honest, the time has come to start to seriously question the dedication of a certain Ms. Z. Telford, right? I mean, what is her problem? Look, Z, what's so hard about gyrating, scantily clad, on the floor for a sweaty, obese, pony-tailed photographer for 15-20 minutes, Darg dang it? Jees, I do that kinda thing before breakfast most days and do you hear me complaining? Sure, the floors can be a bit cold and, no, beats me why adults can still think it's OK in the 21st Century to go to work without having applied any underarm deodorant... And fair enough, I hate it when they smoke those awful French cigarettes that stink of camel shit too. But Zoe - get real. It's a piece a piss ain't it?
Come on Zoe - this could be you and not some cheap, badly executed photoshop job...
So, come on Zoe - think of your public. And if that doesn't do it, think of the moolah. Come on baby, we could be taking showers in dollar bills if you'd just call in at the comedy costumiers like I asked you to. Or perhaps you think it's beneath you? Oh, sure, it ain't the Cheery Orchard - I'll give you that! But don't think that just because there's some partial nudity involved - and maybe a truncheon and some handcuffs, while I think of it - that this is in any way demeaning. Zoe, trust me, it's art. And believe me, I should know. I've been producing tacky cheap-thrill pornographic materials long enough to know the difference between a tasteful, classy photo shoot and a bunch of low-class smut put together on the cheap involving illegal immigrant sex workers and poorly kept circus animals - no word of a lie, Z!
Look Zoe - you could get to work with Peter Gallagher!!
So come on Zoe!! Let's do this thing and then maybe the next time you get a call from me you'll be on your own paradisical island in the Caribbean sipping rum punch from a world renowned ecomomic forecaster's espadrille....it really could happen, Zoe.
Love on y'all,