More education news today, just in.
Phillips: "Unco-ordinated trollop with no style or grace..."
GMTV newsreader Fiona Phillips cuts an increasingly sad and desperate figure. Completely out of synch with her partner, as she stumbles and stutters, devoid of dignity, a cruel parody of elegance and style. A picture of complete and utter hapless uncoordination, it will only be a matter of time before she falls flat on her face before an agonised TV audience of millions. This is Fiona reading the news. One can only imagine what horrors will befall her when she takes her bow on the dancefloor in the first episode of Strictly Ballroom. But help is at hand for TV stars such as Fi. Under new plans unveiled today by Secretary of State for Education Reeeeeeeuuughth Kelly, washed-up stars like Fiona will have a brighter future altogether.
"Muffin the Mule still illegal", warns Kelly.
As part of a series of measures which together will transform the way we educate our kids into the 21st Century, schools will be able to adopt celebrities and use them in a variety of ways - as mascots, to hand out certificates at prizegivings or even, as in Fiona's own case, as auxiliary dinner ladies. "This isn't just some meretricious piece of spin aimed at distracting the voters from the fact that we have failed to improve our schools a jot in the last 8 years, even though we are always banging on about education, education, education", said Kelly as she twizzled her rotating illuminated bow tie, tripped over her comedy outsized clown shoes and poured a vat of whitebait down her comically huge-waisted trouser front.
Private sector: "more cuts expected"
As well as giving celebrities more say in the running of schools, business and voluntary sector organisations will be expected to take on expanded roles. One school in Wandsworth has already lined up a lucrative deal with fast-food giants McDonalds who will provide the healthy-style meals demanded by Kelly and celebrity chef, Jamie Oliver. Elsewhere, firms like Nike and Vodaphone will be allowed concessions inside schools to make it easier for pupils to buy their expensive fashion footwear. It is hoped that this will reduce the likelihood of them being beaten up by armed gangs of their classmates for wearing the wrong trainers or possessing the wrong mobile - although fears have been raised that the scheme will have the opposite effect and result in a rise in violent crime involving high priced luxury goods and Stanley knives.
Prescott: "C.U. Next Tuesday, Tony..."
Elsewhere, concerns have been raised that this commercialisation of our schools represents a step too far into the realms of insane free market liberalisation. Even Deputy PM John Prescott has voiced concern, calling the reforms "utter, utter bollocks". But in a statement to the house, Reeeeeeuuuuughth Kelly announced that the PM was unshakeable in his commitment to the wideranging changes. "Hello children", she said, "are we sitting comfortably? Gooooood. Then I'll begin. Nice Mr. Tony and me have got together and we've decided to give you lovely kiddies just what you've always wanted......a ginormous tuck shop right in the middle of class!! Isn't that simply beezer?"
Tony Bleeeeeeeuuuuuurgh: "No left turns..."
Pressed on the wisdom of going beyond even handing over state sector provision to the private sector by bringing in nebulous "business partners", Kelly replied, "look at me when I'm talking to you, boy! Shoulders straight, hands where I can see them, go and stand in the corner! Now, as I was saying, Tony is a bit like that nice lickle doggy-woggy on GMTV - Sandy, the one who cannot turn right. Only with Tony, it's the other way around, obviously...."
Love on y'all,