Jenni before: "demure, leggy, Scottish"
There was surprise and no little trepidation earlier today at the launch of GMTV entertainment correspondent Jenni Falconer's new band. The softly spoken Scot is set to outrage the nation when her new punk group Up Yer Arse release their debut single - a cover of the Clash song, Know Your Rights. But why, we asked Jenni, the sharp change of direction from demure TV presenter to bile-filled, phleghm-hawking punk rocker?
Jenny after: "bile-filled, pleghm hawking and Scottish"
"Well, I've really enjoyed my time on GMTV, but I have to admit that it can be a bit of a straightjacket at times - especially if you want to sing anarchic songs about abortions, shoplifting and sniffing glue. The attitudes of some of the other girls on the show are - how can I say it delicately? - pretty fucking straightlaced, and that's putting it mildly. I sometimes feel like I've stepped back into the 1950s or something. For instance, the other day there was an item about women having tattoos and the implication was that they're alright for people like Angelina Jolie, but they make the rest of us look like tacky, trashy scum. Come on ladies! Get real!! Things have moved on since you were swooning outside the Regal at Bill Haley's kiss curl. Nowadays, us girls can hold our own with the lads in a yard of ale contest any day and shag for Britain! Get back to your Sock-hop ball with the other sad-sack Bobby-soxers you buttock-clenching arse mingers. Besides, if they're shocked by something as tame as a tattoo, I can't wait to see their faces when they see me up on stage with Up Yer Arse with my tits hanging out of a badly stapled together schooolgirl outfit three sizes too small for me!" said the leggy TV lovely.
Jolie: "that candid Up Yer Arse neck tattoo in full..."
The singer, resplendent in her spikey hairdo, hideously overdone eye make-up, ripped bin liner dress and a bicycle chain necklace, went on, "this is why I had to break out into the singing career - well, I say singing. It's more like a discordant, unbearably high pitched whine actually - but I like it and it fucks my parents off, so who gives a frig? I just had to free myself of their petty and outmoded morality by behaving in as shocking a fashion as possible. Sometimes you just feel like, I don't know, knocking back some benzedrine, downing a can of Carlsberg Special Brew and throwing your TV against the dressing room wall before puking up on the bass player."
Stretchmark: "...she was a bloody disgrace!"
The band's guitarist, Cortdelia Stretchmark, agreed. "That Penny Smith is such a fucking prim prig in her fucking pink tweed twin-set and fucking pearls, tutting at the behaviour of working class girls like us and being all stuck up. Fuck her!" The band's press conference descended into anarchy and chaos as an expletive-strewn slanging match broke out bewteen the band and interviewer John Stapleton. "You fucking rotter", yelled Falconer when the veteran presenter asked her if he could cop a feel after the show. "You filthy fucker", agreed Stretchmark, before hurling a lengthy plume of vomit in the direction of the suave Mancunian and belching the word "bollocks".
Stapleton: "filthy fucker"
Know Your Rights is released on Monday by EMI, hastily withdrawn then released a few weeks later by A&M, withdrawn again almost immediately before finally getting a full release on Richard Branson's Virgin label.
Love on y'all,
Bob
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