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Friday, 14 October 2005

"Hacked Off" Wyatt Pulls out of Charity Telethon over "Sinister" role of Banks.

Howdy doodles Swipesters!

News just in. Singer Robert Wyatt has stunned the world of entertainment by withdrawing from this year’s BBC Children in Need Show, citing the “sinister” role of banks in handling the enormous amounts generated by the show’s charity appeal and “musical differences”. Wyatt had been due to top the bill at the annual, star-studded extravaganza with a moving duet with the show’s presenter, Gaby Roslin. “It was going to be really good”, revealed a clearly upset Roslin. “We were going to do the old Peters and Lee hit, Welcome Home, with me kneeling down by the side of his wheelchair doing the harmonies. It was really moving – I couldn’t get through the song without blubbing like a bullied child”, said the sexy TV wallpaper.

Roslin: "shit singer"

In a terse statement sent to the BBC, Wyatt expressed his astonishment at the huge role of the high street’s biggest banks in the show. “It’s astonishing how these banks can just waltz in, open up a premium-rate phone line and cream off all the interest from the vast sums of cash the decent, hard-working British public are stumping up for the nation’s underprivileged kiddies. It’s a license to print money and I’ll be having nothing to do with it. Besides, Roslin can’t bloody sing for toffee. You think I’m bad, you should hear her.” Wyatt’s statement continued, “How do they expect us to overthrow the inhuman edifice of global capitalism by simply throwing more money at it? It will only lead to more poor kiddies the world over if we prop up the inequalities of the present system – it’s one thing helping a few kids in the inner city’s set up a youth club, but what’s the point in preserving the very conditions that will create future generations of children in need?” demanded the former Soft Machine and Matching Mole singer and drummer.

Stalin: "more like it"

Asked by journalists what alternative there was to involving the banks in the management of the millions of pounds the evening was expected to generate, Wyatt was unfazed. “Well, what’s wrong with keeping it under the mattress like my parents used to. It never did them any harm, and besides it was easier for us nippers to nick into their bedroom and dig out a handful of fivers to go down the tuck shop with. Kept us in boiled sweets for months, it did. There was no one ever called us children in need! That and the workers of the world uniting to overthrow the bourgeoise class that exploits them and seizing control of the means of production would be a step in the right direction."

Love on y'all,


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