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Monday, 3 October 2005

Britain's School Dinner Shame: Kelly calls in Gordon Ramsay!


I know you'll all have been following this highly important and emotive story. Fortunately, the Britisher media has ceased its prurient interest in the innocent people being killed and tortured by Britisher troops in the middle east and focussed on a story with real relevence to the people of that illustrious isle for a change. As you will have read here, Education secretary Reeeeeeughth Kelly and TV celebrity and Cockernee Chef, Jammy Olivier have been trying between them to sort out the cold and inedible slops that are British school dinners.

Well, it's come to nought, so with archetypal decisiveness, Britain's gorgeous and extremely well-hung Prime Minister, Tony Bleeeeeeuuuuurgggghhh, has stepped in. In a controversial move, Bleeeeeeuuuuuurggh has appointed top TV chef and self-appointed rude tosser, Gordon Ramsay as the new School Dinners Czar. Speaking from his fortified kitchen/bunker, Ramsay vowed to improve the quality of the food on offer to Britain's obese, thick and disgusting school population. "I can't believe the crap they force these poor bastards to eat. It's like eating dogshit. I wouldn't feed bollocks like that to a bloody animal I hated and felt like kicking the living daylights out of, let alone to a child in some danger of expiring due to poor diet and disgusting flabbiness. No, these kids need proper food - not the pigswill these pathetic jokers have been dishing out."

Among the innovations Ramsay is believed to be considering are to replace the open troughs used at present with a five course, maitre d' service, consisting of cold and warm hors d'ouevres, meat and fish entrees and pudding, all washed down with wines from a cellar specially selected by the chef himself. "What I want to see is less time spent poncing about in the classroom, doing coursework and revising for exams and more time spent enjoying some of the most sumptyous food available on the London gastro-scene at your leisure - and at affordable prices and with impeccable service to boot. It also gives me the chance to shout at a bunch of useless dinner ladies and give a clip 'round the ear to any stupid fucker of a child who hasn't learned how to eat properly with a knife and fork. Useless pillocking Areshole - there's far too much salt in that risotto!! What kind of a pigshit wanker are you??? Oi, you! Stop throwing your food around - were you fucking well dragged up??"

The plans have been broadly welcomed but some parents have expressed concern about the removal of choice from them and their children in the provision of food and nourishment. A touchy feelly New Labour woman responded, "it's all very well banging on about choice, but what about parents and children who consistently make the wrong choices, eh? What do we do with them? Shoot them, most probably."

Love on y'all,


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