platt de jour

The Diary Of a London Rover's Return Barmaid. Starring Coronation Street Lovely, Jenny Platt as Violet Wilson.

Lundi 14th Avril

Eee, I'm friggin' knackered, me! As if it's not hard enough covering a double shift while Shelley mooches around like the looney woman in the attic. She's come over all Greta Garbo "I vant to be a-friggin'-lone" of late, the poor lass. And all 'cos Charlie Stubbs told her she had flabby upper arms! On top of that, the bloody horny beggar tries to get me pie-eyed on a crate of Newton and Ridley pale ale and starts tryin' ter cop off with me on the velvet clad banquette at one in the flamin' morning while Shelley's still upstairs doing her Whatever Happened to Baby Jane face in front of the dresser. Sounds fun, I know - but you try doin' a "down in one" with 4 inches of tongue down yer beggarin' ear'ole! He's barkin' up the wrong tree with this un, I'm tellin' yer. "Our Jason Grimshaw's th'only lad fer me", I tell 'im. "I know he's thicker'n pig shite and cement but love's love an' that's that", I tells him - but he just gives me one a them leerin' looks and a smile spreads across his face like a pervy gamesmaster during a powercut in t'school changing rooms after a particularly muddy game. "I'd rather shag Janice Battersby, cabbage patch face, borstal crew cut an' all!" I tells him. "She'd have more piggin' chance, I'm tellin yer. Her and Liz MacDonald, both. I'd shag her, right enough, before you, bloody 'God's-gift-ter-bleedin'-women Stubbsy. And Les Battersby. And poovey Sean - and he makes David Furnish look like Charles flamin' Bronson! Mind you, even Fred "I say, I say" piggin' Elliot'd have more of a shout than bloody you, Charlie Stubbs!" That told him, I thought, and I sashayed out all triumphant - 'til I bumped into a keg of Best Bitter I'd been using to reach the optics with and ended up flat on me arse with Charlie lookin' up me skirt. By 'eck, he's the kiss a death to a young lassie is that Charlie Stubbs - or so everyone keeps tellin' us. What that one eyed sneck of his hasn't seen in the alleyways of Weatherfield ain't worth seein', be all acounts. But all he'll see is my flamin' kneecap comin' towards his cobblers at a rate a knots if he tries anythin' on wi' me! Yer'll not see me goin' with that flamin' Charlie Stubbs fer all the tea in China!

Must dash, Baldwin's bawlin' out fer a large Teachers, no ice and one of Betty's Hotpots 'as just gone off.

Mardi 16th Avril

Charlie offers me a fiver for a quickie in the alley behind t'Rovers. I've just had me nails done and Jason's at t'barbers so I thinks, "Why not?" Shelley's Mam's right - he goes like a friggin' freight train!

// posted by vi @ 11:25 AM




Love on y'all,


Bob