Yo-di-doo-di folks,
Another exciting week in the world of twanging gee-tars and tasteful cross-dressing art rockers, so without further addy-ooodle-doo, here' a hoe down on the week's top stories....
"I'm Jacking it in to become a municipal rat catcher", claims "retirement-obssessed" Bowie.
Bowie: "I ccrggghhhh ham ccrrrgghhh not scrrrggghhan animal, I'm a Municipal ratcatcher - so get orf me traps!!"
Rock legend David Bowie has shocked the pop world by announcing his retirement from recording and performance. The highly influential musician, actor and web-entrepreneur underwent angio-plasty surgery last year and has recovered well, appearing to be in exceedingly rude health when he was spotted mingling at a recent U2 concert in his adopted home, New York City. It was hoped that he would return to writing and recording the next installment in the new series of recordings with his long-time collaborator Tony Visconti. Their previous work on the recent albums Heathen and Reality is considered to represent a substantial return to form for the artist, whose career already spans an astonishing thirty-plus years. But this week's announcement seems to put pay to that and will result in massive disappointment among Bowie's fan's the world over.
Bowie: "Where are yer, yer pesky lil varmints??"
"I just felt the time had come to jack it in and try something a bit different", said the 58 year-old who is probably the most influential and innovative British musician of the late 20th and early 21 Centuries. "It had crossed my mind to dabble in something a little less stressful - what with the old ticker and all - [pounds chest] keep going you fool!!! I looked into roadsweeping at one point and rather liked the idea. I found those quasi-military uniforms the parking attendants wear most becoming and I'm sure I could have done something really spectacular and theatrical with them, but in the end, I plumped for the municipal ratcatching gig and, I must say, I haven't been this excited about a new project in bloody years!"
Diamond dogs: "Rats the size of cats? This one's more like a pillocking doberman!!"
Asked if he wouldn't miss the studio and the frisson of working with some of the best musicians in the world on a regular basis, Bowie was surprisingly stoical. "Well, obviously, at first the temptation will be to turn around when I'm confronted with a whopping great rat and expect Gus Dudgeon or Visconti or Eno to come up with some incredible vocal effect like the one on Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps) where my voice goes all shrill and twittery. That was done using a harmoniser I believe, possibly even the same one we used to get that incredible snare drum sound on Low that changed the way people record rhythm tracks for decades. That, along with a bit of Frippertronics or some guitar hystrionics from Adrian Belew or Earl Slick would be enough to scare the shit out of all but the hardiest, most disease ridden rodent vermin. But I'm sure once I've bagged a few and brained them with my long handled spade, that will pass. Besides, I'm always at my best in an alien environment that forces me to jettison my previous modus operandi in favour of new and exciting approaches. So, all in all, I'm really looking forward to it."
Boards of Canada in Canadian poll shock.
Boards of Canada: "Don't misunderestimate us...."
Elsewhere this week, Canadian voters are set to stun the political establishment of North America by voting for experimental ambient Scottish popsters The Boards of Canada as their next premier. The band only entered the fray due to a printing error that placed them as one of the candidates on several million ballot papers. Faced with the option of standing or asking for the already printed papers to be pulped, the enviromentally responsible group agreed to allow their nomination to proceed and were pleasantly surprised to see themselves surge ahead in the polls. Analysts have been struggling to account for the astonishing popularity of the group - who appeal to a fairly select group of listeners rather than the mass-market - among Canadian voters. It is believed that their robust stand on family issues has gone down better than anyone could have predicted. Their campaign slogan, "Music has the right to have children" has certainly struck a chord.
Trudeau: "Don't go to Toronto, Keith...."
It's not all been plain sailing for the Sandison brothers who, as Scots, will become the first non-Canadians since Pierre Trudeau to reach the highest office. Trudeau's wife, Margaret was not impressed by the duo's opinion poll lead. "I think it's an outrage", said the former first lady, who was herself romantically linked with Rolling Stone Mick Jagger. "At least you knew where you were with Mick. You'd be at home waiting by the phone while he was out screwing someone else. But you could always rely on the music. It may have been mindless three chord blues or barrelhouse rockers instead of haunting, ethereal atmospherics that take your psyche to weird "out there" places, but at least you got to have a good boogie backstage, off your mash on coke."
Those Canadian election results will be posted here in full just as soon as we've been able to rig...er, I mean verify them...
Keep on hot-diggetty-dog-ing in the Free Trade Zone!!
Mort
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