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Saturday, 29 October 2005

Hewitt to press ahead with “unworkable” chav ban.


Chav scum dog

Health Secretary Pat Heeeeeeeeeuuuuuughwitt is set to face down critics of her controversial clampdown on chavs by insisting that she will be legislating for an outright ban. The draconian new measures will mean it will soon be illegal to be a Burberry-clad member of the lower classes in pubs, restaurants, hospitals and all other public places. There had been hope that the ban would be a partial one that might allow the working classes occasional access to shops and other amenities in specially sealed carriages but, despite some division in the cabinet, the disgusting underclass will no longer be tolerated anywhere.

Pat Hewitt: "...if it's written on a sweater then I'd beter it..."

“What people do in the privacy of their own homes is none of our business …yet”, said a clearly mentally unhinged Heeeeeuuugghwitt. “But we certainly don’t want scum like that polluting the pleasant ambience of our pubs and restaurants with their rowdy behaviour, walking their bloody flat-capped ferrets and Staffordshire bull terriers around on a ruddy great chain and trying to sell you some knock-off gear in a quiet corner. I want people like me to be able to enjoy a quiet glass of chardonnay and some canapés without their bloody snotty kids haring about the place, putting gum in each other’s hair and teaching our little Gemma how to say words like “feck” or how to burp the word “bollocks”. I think they should stay at home and watch reality TV on their disgustingly run-down council estates and leave the rest of us to pretend we live in Tuscany or Milan”, the Secretary of State said, with some feeling before lighting a large spliff and turning up her Travis CD so loud that she couldn’t hear any further questions.

Cameron: "off down Millwall for a bundle, anyone?"

Heeeeeeuuughwitt received support from an unlikely source in the form of prospective Tory leader David Cameron. “I think Pat’s absolutely right. I hate poor people, unless they’re black or gay of course, in which case I can’t wait to get myself into a photo opportunity with them and practice my patois on them, and ting”, said the fresh-faced star of British politics whose favourite band is the Arctic Thingumybobs. “What I don’t understand is why they can’t relax and enjoy themselves in the same way as the rest of us. What’s wrong with a bit of hunting, shooting and fishing instead of that, quite frankly, barbarous cock-fighting and badger-baiting they get up to? And what’s with the binge drinking, daddio? I always find that four or five lines of finest Columbian in the lavatory of the club sets me up just perfectly for brandy and cigars before heading off into the night with a high-class call girl to paint the town red.”

The ban comes into force on January 1st.

Love on y’all,


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