"I'm not turning into a bloke" claims "furious" Fearne.

Howdy doodles Swipesters!

Sources close to lovely children's TV presenter are rallying around the embattled star as she attempts to counter allegations that she is turning into a man. Petite Fearne, pictured above, has always been a high profile 'ladette' - the new breed of hard drinking, smoking and football following ladies - but her innate femininity and drop dead good looks have always made a nonsense of the idea that she might be turning into a burly, aggressive man with ample chest hair and a whopping great todger. However, photographs printed in yesterday's News of the World reveal an altogether different side to Fearne.


Cotton: "licking the booze off her fingers in order to avoid wastage..."



The photographs show a clearly already inebriated Cotton surrounded by other large men, stripped to the y-fronts and downing a pint of strong ale - "in one", according to the accompanying report. A tape recording made by the journalist at the time reveals a raucous, deep-voiced Cotton singing a bawdy song, the lyric of which focuses repeatedly on the whereabouts of a "dickie-di-do". Photographs of the luscious Top of the Pops host taken later in the evening show her naked from the waist up, the voluminous hair on her brawny upper body covered in what appears to be a foul combination of beer, mustard powder and senna pod residue. The disgusting compound is believed to be the result of a drunken attempt by her fellow revellers to introduce a ghastly sepository of the aforementioned mixture into the bubbly TV star as part of some immature initiation ceremony or bizarre drinking game forfeit.


Cotton: "insane booze boasting"

As the evening progresses, Cotton (above) can be seen to assume an increasingly masculine demeanour, drooling, leering at scantily clad females before wobbling as if about to fall over and repeatedly bawling "celery, celery" for no apparent reason. The revelations, if proved to be true, could have dramatic implications for the TV starlet's future career - especially with regard to her work for CBBC. Fearne's agent was unwilling to speculate upon the possibility of her being dropped by the children's channel but did state that Fearne was "totally made up" at having been selected to play tight-head prop for Northampton in the forthcoming Zurich premiership clash against Leicester. "Fearne has a message for the Leicester pack - she's fucking delighted to be able to stuff it up those cocky northern bastards, so watch out you big girl's blouses! Bring it on!! I think she's just the sort of mobile forward who thrives in the modern game and I 'd like to see her make the step up to international level. I'd say she's an outside chance of making the next Lions' squad if she knuckles down and cuts out the boozing."



A sepository splattered Fearne Cotton: "putting the tight back into tighthead prop..."



Love on y'all,


Bob

Hewitt to press ahead with “unworkable” chav ban.

Swipesters!


Chav scum dog

Health Secretary Pat Heeeeeeeeeuuuuuughwitt is set to face down critics of her controversial clampdown on chavs by insisting that she will be legislating for an outright ban. The draconian new measures will mean it will soon be illegal to be a Burberry-clad member of the lower classes in pubs, restaurants, hospitals and all other public places. There had been hope that the ban would be a partial one that might allow the working classes occasional access to shops and other amenities in specially sealed carriages but, despite some division in the cabinet, the disgusting underclass will no longer be tolerated anywhere.


Pat Hewitt: "...if it's written on a sweater then I'd beter not...do it..."

“What people do in the privacy of their own homes is none of our business …yet”, said a clearly mentally unhinged Heeeeeuuugghwitt. “But we certainly don’t want scum like that polluting the pleasant ambience of our pubs and restaurants with their rowdy behaviour, walking their bloody flat-capped ferrets and Staffordshire bull terriers around on a ruddy great chain and trying to sell you some knock-off gear in a quiet corner. I want people like me to be able to enjoy a quiet glass of chardonnay and some canapés without their bloody snotty kids haring about the place, putting gum in each other’s hair and teaching our little Gemma how to say words like “feck” or how to burp the word “bollocks”. I think they should stay at home and watch reality TV on their disgustingly run-down council estates and leave the rest of us to pretend we live in Tuscany or Milan”, the Secretary of State said, with some feeling before lighting a large spliff and turning up her Travis CD so loud that she couldn’t hear any further questions.


Cameron: "off down Millwall for a bundle, anyone?"

Heeeeeeuuughwitt received support from an unlikely source in the form of prospective Tory leader David Cameron. “I think Pat’s absolutely right. I hate poor people, unless they’re black or gay of course, in which case I can’t wait to get myself into a photo opportunity with them and practice my patois on them, and ting”, said the fresh-faced star of British politics whose favourite band is the Arctic Thingumybobs. “What I don’t understand is why they can’t relax and enjoy themselves in the same way as the rest of us. What’s wrong with a bit of hunting, shooting and fishing instead of that, quite frankly, barbarous cock-fighting and badger-baiting they get up to? And what’s with the binge drinking, daddio? I always find that four or five lines of finest Columbian in the lavatory of the club sets me up just perfectly for brandy and cigars before heading off into the night with a high-class call girl to paint the town red.”

The ban comes into force on January 1st.



Love on y’all,


Bob

Morton Shadows' Weekly World of Pop!!!

Yo-di-doo-di folks,

Another exciting week in the world of twanging gee-tars and tasteful cross-dressing art rockers, so without further addy-ooodle-doo, here' a hoe down on the week's top stories....


"I'm Jacking it in to become a municipal rat catcher", claims "retirement-obssessed" Bowie.


Bowie: "I ccrggghhhh ham ccrrrgghhh not scrrrggghhan animal, I'm a Municipal ratcatcher - so get orf me traps!!"

Rock legend David Bowie has shocked the pop world by announcing his retirement from recording and performance. The highly influential musician, actor and web-entrepreneur underwent angio-plasty surgery last year and has recovered well, appearing to be in exceedingly rude health when he was spotted mingling at a recent U2 concert in his adopted home, New York City. It was hoped that he would return to writing and recording the next installment in the new series of recordings with his long-time collaborator Tony Visconti. Their previous work on the recent albums Heathen and Reality is considered to represent a substantial return to form for the artist, whose career already spans an astonishing thirty-plus years. But this week's announcement seems to put pay to that and will result in massive disappointment among Bowie's fan's the world over.


Bowie: "Where are yer, yer pesky lil varmints??"

"I just felt the time had come to jack it in and try something a bit different", said the 58 year-old who is probably the most influential and innovative British musician of the late 20th and early 21 Centuries. "It had crossed my mind to dabble in something a little less stressful - what with the old ticker and all - [pounds chest] keep going you fool!!! I looked into roadsweeping at one point and rather liked the idea. I found those quasi-military uniforms the parking attendants wear most becoming and I'm sure I could have done something really spectacular and theatrical with them, but in the end, I plumped for the municipal ratcatching gig and, I must say, I haven't been this excited about a new project in bloody years!"


Diamond dogs: "Rats the size of cats? This one's more like a pillocking doberman!!"


Asked if he wouldn't miss the studio and the frisson of working with some of the best musicians in the world on a regular basis, Bowie was surprisingly stoical. "Well, obviously, at first the temptation will be to turn around when I'm confronted with a whopping great rat and expect Gus Dudgeon or Visconti or Eno to come up with some incredible vocal effect like the one on Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps) where my voice goes all shrill and twittery. That was done using a harmoniser I believe, possibly even the same one we used to get that incredible snare drum sound on Low that changed the way people record rhythm tracks for decades. That, along with a bit of Frippertronics or some guitar hystrionics from Adrian Belew or Earl Slick would be enough to scare the shit out of all but the hardiest, most disease ridden rodent vermin. But I'm sure once I've bagged a few and brained them with my long handled spade, that will pass. Besides, I'm always at my best in an alien environment that forces me to jettison my previous modus operandi in favour of new and exciting approaches. So, all in all, I'm really looking forward to it."

Boards of Canada in Canadian poll shock.


Boards of Canada: "Don't misunderestimate us...."

Elsewhere this week, Canadian voters are set to stun the political establishment of North America by voting for experimental ambient Scottish popsters The Boards of Canada as their next premier. The band only entered the fray due to a printing error that placed them as one of the candidates on several million ballot papers. Faced with the option of standing or asking for the already printed papers to be pulped, the enviromentally responsible group agreed to allow their nomination to proceed and were pleasantly surprised to see themselves surge ahead in the polls. Analysts have been struggling to account for the astonishing popularity of the group - who appeal to a fairly select group of listeners rather than the mass-market - among Canadian voters. It is believed that their robust stand on family issues has gone down better than anyone could have predicted. Their campaign slogan, "Music has the right to have children" has certainly struck a chord.


Trudeau: "Don't go to Toronto, Keith...."

It's not all been plain sailing for the Sandison brothers who, as Scots, will become the first non-Canadians since Pierre Trudeau to reach the highest office. Trudeau's wife, Margaret was not impressed by the duo's opinion poll lead. "I think it's an outrage", said the former first lady, who was herself romantically linked with Rolling Stone Mick Jagger. "At least you knew where you were with Mick. You'd be at home waiting by the phone while he was out screwing someone else. But you could always rely on the music. It may have been mindless three chord blues or barrelhouse rockers instead of haunting, ethereal atmospherics that take your psyche to weird "out there" places, but at least you got to have a good boogie backstage, off your mash on coke."

Those Canadian election results will be posted here in full just as soon as we've been able to rig...er, I mean verify them...


Keep on hot-diggetty-dog-ing in the Free Trade Zone!!



Mort

Ralph Fiennes is......

....The Constant Painter and Decorator.



"....I'll soon have that sorted for yer love, two coats max, eggshell with a Prussian Blue border, stipple stipple, bish bosh, wallop how's yer father, twenty minutes drying time, Sorted! Any chance of a cuppa darling?....."


In cinemas NOW!!

Love on y'all



Bob

Spielberg set to bring the life of English literature's greatest poet to the big screen - Exclusive!!

Wowie-zowie Swipesters!!

Legendary Hollywood director Steven Spielberg has revealed plans to bring the life story of T.s. Eliot, conidered by many to be the greatest poet of the 20th Century, to the silver screen in an epic new production. The new film, T.S.: Thomas Stearns, will dramatise the life of the American-born poet who wrote most of his great works whilst living in England, and is expected to focus on the human story behind the verse - in particular his tumultuous marriage to English aristocrat Vivien Haigh-Wood.


Eliot: "phone home"

The couple, played by real life husband and wife T.V. stars Vernon Kay and Tess Daly, endured a fraught relationship and the deeply disturbed Vivien is thought to have inspired many of Eliot's darker poems. For many, the character of McCavity the Mystery cat from Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats is thought to have been modelled closely on the poet's wife. Vivien was renowned for her habit of curling up in a small patch of sunlight or stretching out in front of a warm hearth for hours on end, before miaowing loudly and feigning affection in an insincere attempt to procure a bowl of Sheba only to pad off and retire to quiet corner having been fed. She is also believed to have used the pseudonym "The Hidden Paw" - particularly when signing cheques.


Tess: "My nerves are bad tonight, Vern"


"Vivien was a complex character to bring to life, that's for sure", said the multiple Oscar-winning director films such as Jaws, The Color Purple, Schindler's List and E.T. "She was never happier than when she was asleep in the warmest part of the house, dreaming of catching mice or playing with her scratching post. But boy that bitch could turn ugly if you kept her waiting too long for her Whiskas with rabbit", admitted Spielberg as he nursed the scratch marks on his wrists acquired during the preliminary shoots.


Vernon: "Dec, I never knew Ant & Dec had undone so many...."

Whilst some critics have questioned the necessity of utilising a multi-million dollar blockbuster budget in order to film the story of a poet’s life and work, Spielberg remains confident that there will be a large audience for the film’s epic set pieces. At the heart of the movie is a bold interpretation of Eliot’s modernist masterpiece, The Wasteland. The adaptation is filmed entirely from the perspective of the poem’s key narrative voice, “Blind Tiresias”, played by Big Brother star, Jade Goody.


Goody: "Blind drunk Tiresias"

T.S.: Thomas Stearns climaxes with Tom Hanks featuring in a graphic re-enactment of some of Eliot’s most famous lines, the opening stanzas from his early work, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock:


Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table


“Tom’s a fine actor and he spent a lot of time researching the role – he spent days under anaesthetic being operated on by Harley Street’s finest surgeons just so he could give of his best for these scenes”, said a clearly delighted Spielberg. “Obviously, there’s a lot you can do with CGI nowadays, but for my money, you still can’t beat the sight of a great screen actor lying comatose on an operating table in the middle of a whacking great field for tension and excitement.”


Hanks: "consumate pro rehearses for crucial scene"

T.S.: Thomas Stearns opens next year in cinemas throughout Britain. The sequel, Four Quartets of the Third Kind is currently in pre-production.


Love on y’all,

Ralph Fiennes is....

....The Constant Painter and Decorator.



"....I'll soon have that sorted for yer love, two coats max, eggshell with a Prussian Blue border, stipple stipple, bish bosh, wallop how's yer father, twenty minutes drying time, Sorted! Any chance of a cuppa love?....."


In cinemas NOW!!

Love on y'all



Bob

Donald Rumsfeld - R.I.P.

A sad day dawns, Swipesters,

A period of national mourning has begun in the the United States of America following the death of Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumssfeld in the early hours of this morning, aged 73. Born July 9, 1932, Rumsfeld had been the Secretary of Defense of the United States since January 20, 2001, under President George W. Bush. He was the 21st Secretary of Defense, and the oldest person to have held that position. He served under President Gerald Ford as the 13th Secretary of Defense from 1975 to 1977, making him also the youngest person to have held the job.


Donald Henry Rumsfeld, 1932-2005

Born in Evanston, Illinois, of German descent - his grandfather was originally from Bremen in Northern Germany - Donald Rumsfeld graduated from New Trier High School and attended Princeton University on scholarship (BA, 1954) where he was an accomplished amateur wrestler and served in the United States Navy (1954-57) as a Naval aviator. He then went on to attend and subsequently drop out of Georgetown University Law Center (1957). That same year, during the Eisenhower Administration, he served as Administrative Assistant to a Congressman from Ohio. After a stint with investment banking firm A. G. Becker from 1960 to 1962, he was elected to the United States House of Representatives from Illinois in 1962, at the age of 30, and was re-elected in 1964, 1966, and 1968.


Rumsfeld: "Courage and integrity"

But Rumsfeld - or "Rummy" as he was known by people he would no doubt have scorned for giving even this least approachable of men a ridiculous, pally-sounding nickname - will be forever remembered as the man of courage and integrity whose bold plan to bring order to the Middle East has freed that region from the scourge of tyranny and violence. The invasion of Iraq, with a skeleton force of 150,000, was an instant and irrevocable success with troops toppling the evil tyrant Saddam Hussein in a matter of days and establishing an Iraqi state where all are free and there are no longer inter-ethnic or sectarian divisions. The speed and efficiency of the invasion and the calm and measured behaviour of coalition forces during the subsequent occupation is a credit to Rumsfeld's inherent decency and humanity.


Rumsfeld: "calm and deeply civilised"

He will also be remembered for the deeply compassionate guidelines issued to U.S. forces as to the treatment of suspected terrorists in the wake of the events of September 11th, 2001. This calm and deeply civilised man refused to allow the horror of those atrocities to deflect him or the nation he served from pursuing and upholding basic human rights and dignity, despite the frenzied and vengeful atmosphere that arose in the immediate aftermath of the terror attacks. Many would have been tempted to inter suspects on little evidence, subjecting them to sensory deprivation and torture techniques and mocking their religious beliefs and texts, but not Rumsfeld. Instead, he ensured that America would continue to hold its head high within the International community - a model of decency and probity. This approach was maintained in Iraq itself, with even critics forced to admire the model of detention established at the once notorious prison Abu-Ghraib. Rumsfeld will also be remembered for the warmth and humour he brought to the job of supervising "the world's policeman", summed up pithily by the catchphrase that many will be using to console themselves today - "stuff happens".


Love on y'all,


Bob

Jenni is a Punk!! "Know your rights", says GMTV lovely at anarchic launch of pop career

Hi Swipesters!!


Jenni before: "demure, leggy, Scottish"

There was surprise and no little trepidation earlier today at the launch of GMTV entertainment correspondent Jenni Falconer's new band. The softly spoken Scot is set to outrage the nation when her new punk group Up Yer Arse release their debut single - a cover of the Clash song, Know Your Rights. But why, we asked Jenni, the sharp change of direction from demure TV presenter to bile-filled, phleghm-hawking punk rocker?


Jenny after: "bile-filled, pleghm hawking and Scottish"

"Well, I've really enjoyed my time on GMTV, but I have to admit that it can be a bit of a straightjacket at times - especially if you want to sing anarchic songs about abortions, shoplifting and sniffing glue. The attitudes of some of the other girls on the show are - how can I say it delicately? - pretty fucking straightlaced, and that's putting it mildly. I sometimes feel like I've stepped back into the 1950s or something. For instance, the other day there was an item about women having tattoos and the implication was that they're alright for people like Angelina Jolie, but they make the rest of us look like tacky, trashy scum. Come on ladies! Get real!! Things have moved on since you were swooning outside the Regal at Bill Haley's kiss curl. Nowadays, us girls can hold our own with the lads in a yard of ale contest any day and shag for Britain! Get back to your Sock-hop ball with the other sad-sack Bobby-soxers you buttock-clenching arse mingers. Besides, if they're shocked by something as tame as a tattoo, I can't wait to see their faces when they see me up on stage with Up Yer Arse with my tits hanging out of a badly stapled together schooolgirl outfit three sizes too small for me!" said the leggy TV lovely.


Jolie: "that candid Up Yer Arse neck tattoo in full..."

The singer, resplendent in her spikey hairdo, hideously overdone eye make-up, ripped bin liner dress and a bicycle chain necklace, went on, "this is why I had to break out into the singing career - well, I say singing. It's more like a discordant, unbearably high pitched whine actually - but I like it and it fucks my parents off, so who gives a frig? I just had to free myself of their petty and outmoded morality by behaving in as shocking a fashion as possible. Sometimes you just feel like, I don't know, knocking back some benzedrine, downing a can of Carlsberg Special Brew and throwing your TV against the dressing room wall before puking up on the bass player."


Stretchmark: "...she was a bloody disgrace!"

The band's guitarist, Cortdelia Stretchmark, agreed. "That Penny Smith is such a fucking prim prig in her fucking pink tweed twin-set and fucking pearls, tutting at the behaviour of working class girls like us and being all stuck up. Fuck her!" The band's press conference descended into anarchy and chaos as an expletive-strewn slanging match broke out bewteen the band and interviewer John Stapleton. "You fucking rotter", yelled Falconer when the veteran presenter asked her if he could cop a feel after the show. "You filthy fucker", agreed Stretchmark, before hurling a lengthy plume of vomit in the direction of the suave Mancunian and belching the word "bollocks".


Stapleton: "filthy fucker"

Know Your Rights is released on Monday by EMI, hastily withdrawn then released a few weeks later by A&M, withdrawn again almost immediately before finally getting a full release on Richard Branson's Virgin label.



Love on y'all,


Bob

"TV Star for every school"! vows Blair in biggest Education shake-up since records began.

Yo! Swipesters!!,

More education news today, just in.


Phillips: "Unco-ordinated trollop with no style or grace..."

GMTV newsreader Fiona Phillips cuts an increasingly sad and desperate figure. Completely out of synch with her partner, as she stumbles and stutters, devoid of dignity, a cruel parody of elegance and style. A picture of complete and utter hapless uncoordination, it will only be a matter of time before she falls flat on her face before an agonised TV audience of millions. This is Fiona reading the news. One can only imagine what horrors will befall her when she takes her bow on the dancefloor in the first episode of Strictly Ballroom. But help is at hand for TV stars such as Fi. Under new plans unveiled today by Secretary of State for Education Reeeeeeeuuughth Kelly, washed-up stars like Fiona will have a brighter future altogether.


"Muffin the Mule still illegal", warns Kelly.


As part of a series of measures which together will transform the way we educate our kids into the 21st Century, schools will be able to adopt celebrities and use them in a variety of ways - as mascots, to hand out certificates at prizegivings or even, as in Fiona's own case, as auxiliary dinner ladies. "This isn't just some meretricious piece of spin aimed at distracting the voters from the fact that we have failed to improve our schools a jot in the last 8 years, even though we are always banging on about education, education, education", said Kelly as she twizzled her rotating illuminated bow tie, tripped over her comedy outsized clown shoes and poured a vat of whitebait down her comically huge-waisted trouser front.


Private sector: "more cuts expected"

As well as giving celebrities more say in the running of schools, business and voluntary sector organisations will be expected to take on expanded roles. One school in Wandsworth has already lined up a lucrative deal with fast-food giants McDonalds who will provide the healthy-style meals demanded by Kelly and celebrity chef, Jamie Oliver. Elsewhere, firms like Nike and Vodaphone will be allowed concessions inside schools to make it easier for pupils to buy their expensive fashion footwear. It is hoped that this will reduce the likelihood of them being beaten up by armed gangs of their classmates for wearing the wrong trainers or possessing the wrong mobile - although fears have been raised that the scheme will have the opposite effect and result in a rise in violent crime involving high priced luxury goods and Stanley knives.


Prescott: "C.U. Next Tuesday, Tony..."

Elsewhere, concerns have been raised that this commercialisation of our schools represents a step too far into the realms of insane free market liberalisation. Even Deputy PM John Prescott has voiced concern, calling the reforms "utter, utter bollocks". But in a statement to the house, Reeeeeeuuuuughth Kelly announced that the PM was unshakeable in his commitment to the wideranging changes. "Hello children", she said, "are we sitting comfortably? Gooooood. Then I'll begin. Nice Mr. Tony and me have got together and we've decided to give you lovely kiddies just what you've always wanted......a ginormous tuck shop right in the middle of class!! Isn't that simply beezer?"


Tony Bleeeeeeeuuuuuurgh: "No left turns..."


Pressed on the wisdom of going beyond even handing over state sector provision to the private sector by bringing in nebulous "business partners", Kelly replied, "look at me when I'm talking to you, boy! Shoulders straight, hands where I can see them, go and stand in the corner! Now, as I was saying, Tony is a bit like that nice lickle doggy-woggy on GMTV - Sandy, the one who cannot turn right. Only with Tony, it's the other way around, obviously...."

Love on y'all,


Bob

Guardian Unlimited admits: "we've run out of news!!"

Yo Swipesters,

Editors at the Britisher Liberalische Newspaper the Guardian have finally admitted what had long been feared - they've simply run out of ideas for news stories. The left-leaning quality newspaper - beloved of public sector workers and broadly progressive people the world over - has been reduced to issuing instructions to readers leaving comments referring to its Newsblog items as these are the only stories the paper can rely on anyone reading - partly because they are often written by members of the public and not established journalists.


Grauniad Newsroom: "No news is good news"


Said a spokesman,

"Guardian Unlimited's blogs have become a very popular way for readers to comment on what we're doing, and discuss the issues of the day. However, our blog comments have their limits - this post describes those limits.

Blog commenters are reminded of two things; our terms of service and our talk policy.

It's essential that commenters respect these rules, because without them our talk area, and the open blog comments here, simply wouldn't work.

Blog commenters are reminded that comments here are intended to relate directly to the post, rather than to veer off into unrelated subjects. Our blog system is ill-suited to that kind of discussion. Moreover, lengthy and involved discussions between a handful of people have a huge impact on usability for fellow users, and deter occasional posters from having their say.

Longer discussions on a wider range of topics are, of course, welcome on our talkboards, which are explained here. We urge blog users to take their broader conversations to Talk.

Occasionally, when discussions have become irrelevant to the post in question, we will close comments on that post, and we may delete comments already posted if they are unrelated to the topic, to reduce the size of the page for other users.

We will also close comments if we think it's likely a previous discussion will erupt in that newer post, or if we want a post to exist for information only (like this post).


Birmingham riots: "Kaiser Chiefs proved right"

When individual posters repeatedly abuse our talk policy, or seriously break our rules on acceptability and/or legality, we will take steps to prevent them posting to our blogs.

We always accept trackbacks from other blogs, even when comments are closed on a post, as long as those trackbacks are within our terms of service and talk policy.

We are always keen to hear ideas on how to improve comment facilities here - email me at neil.mcintosh@guardian.co.uk if you have any thoughts."

The paper, which recently relaunched itself in a smaller, tabloid form - presumably in order to disguise its rapidly-diminishing news content - is described by some insiders as having had "one almighty hissy-fit" because its forums have been commandeered by readers with opinions and attitudes of their own, some of which are unconventional and likely to be disagreed with by many other readers.


Street Porter: "You're un-be-liev-a-buw"


Executives at the Guardian's main broadly left-leaning rival, the Independent, were said to be gleeful that - at a time when civil liberties are increasingly being eroded - the left's most prominent forum was to be seen openly cajoling its readers about what they should or should not be posting in a supposedly "open" space. "It's just typical of the bloody Grauniad, isn't it?" said the Indy's Janet Street Porter. "The streets of Brum are awash with ethnic tensions, rioting and violence, and all they can worry about is whether people are leaving relevent comments on their Newsblog. It's just unbelievable." Rumours that the paper's online version is set to relaunch itself as "The Guardian Extremely Limited and Opposed to the Basic Tenets of Free-Speech" have yet to be confirmed.


Love on y'all,


Bob

Binge Publicans - you heard it here first!!!!!!

Woah Swipesters!!

As you know, we here at Swipe Towers never like to crow when we bag a major news story days, weeks - or as in this case - even months before the mainstream Me-jah. But, dang it, it happens so rarely that we are gonna crow it big time over this little beauty!!

You'll remember that way back in August we gave you this little item. Well, those bigwigs on Fleet Street have finally caught up and were posting stories like this yesterday - without even so much as a credit to the loyal reporting staff here at S.T. Now, doesn't that make you wanna go to a packed bar filled with scantily clad alcoholics simulatiung sex and knock back several dozen sambucas with a white spirit chaser or what??


Love on y'all,


Bob

Introducing The Mardin Antlers Show!!

Hi Swipesters!!



Mardin Antlers: "a gread new hope for lideradure"


Checkout Mardy's new novel here


Love on y'all,



Bob

TV bigwigs deny "formulaic, uninspiring heap of shite" jibes

Yodel-doody Swipesters!!


Wow a Sunday posting! Amazing what you can do under the new weekend trading laws, isn't it?? anyway, sit back and treat yourself to a round-up of forthcoming TV news and gossip before heading off to that crucial Sunday service.


O'Hanlon: "Blessed is just as funny as Father Ted - and you can quote me on that Ted", says Dougal

Television executives have today denied that they employ a shoddy, lowest common-denominator approach to the commissioning of new TV programmes. Concerns have been raised at the number of banally titled and poorly thought-out programmes all seeming to rely on ‘name’ actors to deliver an audience at the expense of innovative scripts and stimulating treatment ideas. Critics have highlighted the BBC’s new Neil Morrissey vehicle, Carrie & Barrie and the New Friday evening situation comedy Blessed as particularly insipid examples. Blessed has attracted particular scorn. The programme features former Father Ted star Ardal O’Hanlon and one of the women from comedy duo Mel and Sue playing two characters who are involved in a riotous series of events which occur to them and cause frequent embarrassment and much mirth from the audience. These comic travails are punctuated by scenes featuring former funny man Roland Rivron and somebody doing a very poor Mick Jagger impersonation in which they try to think of song titles related to the hysterical happenings elsewhere in the show.


Jagger: "a retarded puritan??"

“I think these shows are no worse than the bulk of TV offerings in the past. The only difference between a show like Carrie and Barrie and a 70s classic like Porridge is that the producers today are hamstrung by the BBC’s legal department which won’t let anything which could reasonably be thought to offend a retarded one-year old puritan with no sense of humour onto our screens. That and the obvious gulf in the quality of the writers and performers, of course. Apart from that, I think you’d have a hard job making the case that standards have slipped. And anyone who thinks that this new politically correct approach has taken away our programmes' ability to shock obviously didn’t watch that completely ridiculous ‘comedy’ with Jasper Carrot and the bird from Goodness Gracious Me that was narrated by a young boy in a wheelchair who was incapable of communication. They’re still wading through the letters of complaint about the quality of the writing, never mind the ones about our patronising portrayal of a crip”, said a senior BBC executive.


Claudia: "threadbare pretext for tenuous photo" claim.

Although it was praised for its increasing willingness to push the envelope, there were concerns that a similar pattern was emerging over at ITV. The new Robson Green show, Rocket Man has been criticised by some as displaying a similar paucity of ambition. “It’s just a threadbare pretext to use a classic Elton John song as the title song and provide an opportunity for a staple and instantly recognisable face like Robson to walk around looking haunted as he sets off whacking great fireworks on some poxy council estate”, argued Claudia Winkelman. “OK, Robbo and the fireworks are great, but do we really need any more bloody Elton John?” demanded the clearly distressed presenter. ITV commissioners have dismissed the suggestion that their policies are formulaic, unimaginative and revolve around the same tired procession of familiar stars. “We’re really excited about the upcoming autumn season”, said one. “What with David Jason as the Wizard of Oz in Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, Jimmy Nesbit and Sarah Lancashire playing Kennedy and Monroe in Candle in the Wind and Ross Kemp and Steve McFadden reprising their roles as the Mitchell brothers in Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting, I think viewers will be in for a real treat as well as some big surprises!”



Green: "twisted firework starter", allegedly.

Someone Saved my Life Tonight, starring Ant & Dec as Elton John and Trevor McDonald as David Furnish begins on ITV3 next Thursday.


Love on y'all (and don't pray too hard!!)



Bob

Breakfast News viewers hit out at Silverton's "personal news agenda"

Swipesters,

Glamorous newscaster and friend of Matthew Wright, Kate Silverton was heading for a new controversy last night. Just weeks after falling out with fellow news reader Philip Hayton, the gaffe-prone lovely was the subject of a spate of emails from BBC Breakfast viewers all complaining of the alleged personal slant she has been giving to the programme's news coverage.


Silverton: "T-wit t-woo? Or just t-wit?"

Said one viewer, who preferred to remain nameless, "it's just birds, birds, birds with that bloody Silverton! If it isn't that poxy Avian flu pandemic, it's some heart-rending story about some rare species being on the verge of disappearing from our shores. I thought it was just me, but then she started banging on about Turkeys joining the EU and I knew the woman had finally snapped. What is it with her and her bleedin' birds?" demanded the clearly emotional viewer, twitching his litle nose and cleaning his fine long whiskers with his delicate little hands. "Anyone would think she was one herself the way she twitters on about our feathered friends continually. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a nice looking piece of Cheddar on that piece of wood with a lethal metal springed attachment over there, and I haven't eaten in several days..."


Free range farming, China style....

Another viewer bemoaned the perceived pro-bird bias in the morning bulletins. "Why can't we have some nice stories detailing the experiences of rodents or other small mammals?" asked Mr. F.L.D. Mouse of the Cornfield, Hertfordshire. "Our lives are made grim enough as it is by owls swooping down and sweeping us off to their bloody barns without them dominating the news agenda into the bargain."


F.L.D. Mouse: "nocturnally hunted"

Kate Silverton is currently appearing as Wol in Winnie the Pooh and the Avian Flu Epidemic that Swept Western Europe Killing Millions at the Alhambra Theatre, Leicester.


Love on y'all



Bob

Campbell: “Bird flu could be good news”, whilst Campbell and Campbell fall out over Campbell Iraq policy.

Wooaaaah! Swipesters!!


Controversial former Government Press Secretary Alastair Campbell has plunged his ex-boss into more hot water after damaging revelations about New Labour’s response to the expected Avian Flu pandemic were made public this morning. Campbell can be clearly heard on tape stating his belief that the imminent virus which, it is estimated, could kill between 50,000 and 700,000, represented “some good news for a change. About bloody time!”




The tape continues with a clearly delighted Campbell declaring, “this bird flu thing could be just what the doctor ordered for you, Tony – especially if we can come up with some bullshit about how it’s wiped out a few terrorists along the way. It’ll certainly do you no harm if the mugs are all worrying themselves silly about dying of lung disintegration instead of mithering on about our presence in Iraq and the way we lied about WMD to go in there in the first place. Here, we could tell ‘em it only takes 45 minutes for their entire respiratory systems to be totally buggered to fuck – that’d really shit them up. Just like it did when we told ‘em Saddam was standing behind them with a ruddy great missile in Oxford Street. If I was you Tony, I’d be bloody bottling the stuff and giving it away free with the Daily Mail.” Campbell went on to suggest that stockpiles of the Tamiflu antiviral treatment should be sold to the highest bidders in line with existing New Labour orthodoxy. “Get it on ebay, son”, Campbell is heard to shout, to clear alarm around the cabinet office.




“Besides, if we change course on health care provision all of a sudden like that, people will only start to panic – just like those all those cattle we had to slaughter over BSE. Here, does this mean we get to indiscriminately slaughter some more innocent creatures on a massive scale? Oh Tony, plllleeeeaaaassseee can I help? Where there is division we will bring unity, where there is discord we will bring harmony. There is no alternative, the laddy’s not for turning, Denis, where’s me bloody handbag? Seig Heil!! Seig Heil!!” shouts an evidently mental Campbell as the sound of heels being scraped along a shiny floor are heard in between the sounds of a full-blown brawl in which John Prescott can clearly be heard headbutting Education Secretary Reeeeeuuuuugggggttttthhh Kelly. After calm is returned to the room, the Prime Minister Tony Blllllllleeeeeuuuuuuurrrrrrgggghhhhhhh!!!! Is heard to mutter, “so, we’re all in agreement then…?”



In an unrelated development, “glamorous” supermodel and renowned woman of letters Naomi Campbell has lashed out at Liberal Democrat Foreign Affairs spokesman Menzies Campbell over his party’s opposition to the Iraqi occupation and the bizarre diminutive of his given name. “Ming? What is he, some sort of minger or sumfink? Whatever….” blasted the demented former anti-fur campaigner. Arsenal and England defender Sol Campbell was quick to jump to Campbell’s defence. “I am deeply disturbed by our actions in Iraq and I am pleased that someone as principled and eloquent as Menzies is representing my views in Parliament. He may be a minger, but at least he’s not a Spurs fan”, said the former Tottenham defender, who hopes to have recovered from a pulled hamstring in time to face his former club next Saturday.




Love on y'all,



Bob

Great albums that never were but Should have been

#1547: My Generation Game by the Who, featuring MC Brucie

Tracks include:

The kids are ALRIGHT MY LOVE?

HERE KITTY KITTY! Lambert

The GOOD GAME, GOOD GAME’s gone

Nice to SEE YOU FEEL YOU TOUCH YOU, TO SEE YOU FEEL YOU TOUCH YOU …..NICE!!


Love on y'all,


Bob

Great Albums That Never Were But Should Have Been.

#1042 - Diamond Life By The Marquis de Sade


Tracks include:

Your love is king(ky)

Smooth operator on internal organs

Hang on to your love (from chains suspended from the ceiling)

When am I going to make a living as a cheap guttersnipe whore in pre-Revolutionary France?

Why can't we live together and eat each other's excrement?

Tomorrow: the follow-up album, Promise featuring:

The sweetest taboo

Is it a crime? (Most probably, I would think...)

Never as good as the first time

Punch drunk (quite literally..)

and Tar baby (again, quite literally...)



Love on y'all,


Bob